1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.
48. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.
49. Yelling at me won't solve the problem.
2. Farting is always funny to us. Always.
3. From time to time we pee in the shower, but most of us try to be discrete about it.
4. We are fascinated with our boogers at age 2 and we will continue to be fascinated with them at age 92.
5. We tend to scratch our butt when we sleep. We tend to scratch it when we are awake too if we think we can get away with it.
6. The answer to the question "The Godfather is on, do you want to watch it?" is always "YES".
7. Don't ask us what we are thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as navel lint, the shotgun formation and monster trucks.
8. We don't mind being told we look good. Just don't call it a "cute outfit."
9. Bedtime means "go to sleep", not "ask me stupid questions"
10. Sunday = Sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.
11. Shopping is not a sport.
12. Let me get BOTH feet in the door before you start talking.
13. The world won't come to an end if I wait for a commercial break.
14. There is a 10 minute shopping limit in any store without electonics.
15. Crying is blackmail. Use it if you must, but don't expect us to like it.
16. Ask for what you want. Subtle hints don't work.
17. We leave the seat up on purpose.
18. No, we don't know what day it is. We never will. Mark anniversaries on a calendar.
19. Yes, pissing standing up is more difficult than peeing from point blank range. We're bound to miss sometimes.
20. Most guys own two to three pairs of shoes - what makes you think we'd be any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, would look good with your dress?
21. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers.
22. Your ex-boyfriend is an idiot.
23. Your Mom doesn't have to be our best friend.
24. Foreign films are best left to foreigners.
25. If it is OUR house, I do not understand why MY stuff gets thrown in the closet/attic/basement.
26. You can't fart until we do it first. After that, it's a free-for-all.
27. Whoever smelt it dealt it.
28. Anything we said 6 or 8 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. All comments become null and void after 7 days.
29. If it itches we are likely to scratch it.
30. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad and angry, we meant the other one.
31. What the heck is a doily?
32. If you think I’m speeding now, you should see me drive when you're not in the car.
33. You can either ask us to do something OR tell us how you want it done... not both.
34. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
35. Christopher Columbus didn't need directions, and neither do we.
36. I guarantee you that we do not want to watch any move with Susan Sarandon in it.
37. Secretly, we care about our fingernails.
38. When I screw up, go ahead and tell me--once.
39. My guy friends. Not only are they not negotiable, they’re your best sign that I’m not a whack job.
39. My guy friends. Not only are they not negotiable, they’re your best sign that I’m not a whack job.
40. If I offer my help while you're getting ready, it means you’re late.
41. Never ask me to pick out your outfit. (See above.) I will invariably get it wrong and make us even more late.
42. You can pick the movie, but have a reason.
43. No, I don't remember what he said next. Or she. Or anybody, for that matter. I'm a guy, not a tape recorder.
44. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.
45. Learn to work the toilet seat; if it's up put it down.
46. If you don't like the way I do something, then do it youself.
47. Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are not quests to see if we can find the perfect present, again!
48. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.
49. Yelling at me won't solve the problem.
50. Any movie where a guy gets whacked in the groin is a funny movie.
51. Please never, ever ask us a difficult question while we are making a poopy. Both ends don't work at once.
52. Talking like Yoda - enjoy it we do!
53. We are always going to prefer U2 over Justin Timberlake. Deal with it.
54. “Fine” or “whatever” is not an appropriate ending to a conversation.
55. Don’t expect guys to say as many sweet things as they do in the movies. (It takes a lot of guys and their wives to come up with those scripts).
56. You can’t hold it against us if we cry after sports movies or “Old Yeller".
57. “The game is on” is an acceptable excuse to avoid any serious conversation.
58. Any harsh contact with the testicles should be assumed to be a serious injury.
59. For every fart that slips out when you are around we successfully hold in about 15, enduring excruciating pain to do this.
60. Nothing you will ever do will entitle you to operate the remote control. (Unless operating means handing it to us.)
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